Jon Stewart Blasts "Evil" Christie Minions Over Bridge Closure

Let's get right to your traffic on the ones.  If you're coming in to New York City on the George Washington Bridge... and it's last September, you may have noticed that the traffic congestion has shifted from its normal "hellish" congestion to a sort of soul-crushing vortex of exhaust and honking, where you and your vehicle merge into one stationary impotent amalgam of steel, fumes, and broken dreams.  (audience laughter)  And an E-Z Pass.

Now you may have thought to yourself, in September, at this bridge, as you sat, unmoving, for hours, "Huh.  Is Godzilla on the other side of this bridge, destroying the town?  And if so, could I take the lower level of the bridge?" (audience laughter)

Anyway, the traffic on the Fort Lee side of that bridge was so unusual, that it had to be looked into.

JAKE TAPPER (12/13/2013): The allegation ... is that this was in retaliation by the Christie administration because the mayor of Fort Lee did not endorse Governor Chris Christie.

What the....?  That is the most asinine....  Christie had a 24-point lead over his re-election opponent, Democrat Who Knows?  Barbara Buono.  And the idea that Christie was so mad at this one mayor for not endorsing him, he's going to cockblock the whole town's bridge access?  You would have to be the world's most petty spiteful person. And #2, by the way, backing up bridge traffic doesn't punish Fort Lee's mayor.  It punishes people trying to get the fuck out of Fort Lee!  (audience cheering and applause)  The mayor, he's the one guy who has to stay there.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself at this point, why are we talking about a traffic jam from September, anyway?  Well, funny story.

1/8/2014:

CHRIS JANSING: Newly released e-mails have linked the office of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to a controversial lane closure at the George Washington Bridge.

JAKE TAPPER: One of Christie's top appointees at the Port Authority: "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee," she wrote.  "Got it," he said.

(shocked audience reaction)

Oh no you didn't!

Well, that is very specific.  All right, so... wow!  Governor Christie's team, up 24 points in the polls, were so spiteful and petty, fine.  But it doesn't make them evil.

1/8/2014:

CBS2: And later joked about kids who were late to school because of the traffic mess.

ABC7: This text message exchange:
"Is it wrong that I'm smiling?"
"I feel badly about the kids."
"I guess."
And then, "They are the children of Buono voters."

(disgusted audience reaction and booing)

Oooh... OK, that makes them evil.

Did probable presidential favorite Chris Christie personally order this traffic hit?  I don't know.  But I do know one thing about the effects of this burgeoning scandal.  You can probably now see Paul Ryan's boner from space.

(shocked audience laughter)

Whoa!  That is... I don't know what that is.  All right, looks like Wisconsin has a tusk.  But I don't... now we know he has an "uppie".

How will Chris Christie respond?

JAKE TAPPER (1/8/2014): (reading Christie statement to the media) "I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge."

And I'm sorrrrrry?  Sorrrrrry, that, sorrrrry....

JAKE TAPPER (1/8/2014): "One thing is clear: this type of behavior is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it because the people of New Jersey deserve better."

Which makes me sorrrrrrry.  I'm very sorrrrrrry.

JAKE TAPPER (1/8/2014): "This behavior is not representative of me or my Administration in any way, and people will be held responsible for their actions."

WHAT?!  Well, clearly, somebody is getting thrown under the bus here.  Fortunately for them, the bus isn't moving, it's stuck in terrible, terrible traffic.  (audience laughter and applause)