WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a defiant statement, a spokesman for the fast-food industry today lashed out at fast-food workers’ “outrageous and unacceptable demand to be considered human beings.”
Arguing that “granting fast food workers anything beyond a grim, scraping existence would put a serious dent in our profits,” the Fast Food Restaurant Council spokesman Tracy Klugian said. “Considering our workers human would be ruinous to the fast food industry as we know it.”
But Mr. Klugian was quick to point out that the controversy was about more than money: “It’s about dignity and respect—two things this industry has zero tolerance for.”
As fast food workers mounted protests across the country, the industry spokesman urged them to abandon their “reckless quest for human status” at once.
“They have to ask themselves, why did they want to work in the fast food industry to begin with?” he said. “Anyone who walks into one of our restaurants should realize that it’s no place for humans.”