Stephen Colbert Rips WalMart (With Help From Robert Reich)

Nation, America was built on two things — a strong work ethic, and Indian bones.  But mostly, the hard work.  That's why as a maker, I am sick of the low-income takers out there always asking for more.

REP. BARBARA LEE, D-CA (10/31/2013): People who are working, they need a living wage.  They can't survive off of $7 or $8 dollars an hour.

SACRAMENTO MAYOR KEVIN JOHNSON, D (9/13/2013): The minimum wage is still not a living wage.

ALGERNON AUSTIN, EPI (7/22/2013): Today, the minimum wage is less than what it was in 1963.

Well, that just means the minimum wage is vintage.  And folks, when it comes to wages, there's no company that the greedy underclass loves to attack more than America's largest private employer, Walmart.  What more do you want from them?  They already give you affordable access to plus-size camo bathrobes!

You know, for when you feel like kicking back and hunting.

Besides, Walmart has proven they care about their low-wage workers.

MATT LAUER (11/19/2013): One store in Ohio is collecting food for employees.  This store set up some storage bins with a sign that read, "Please donate food items here so that Associates"— that's what Walmart calls its employees — "in Need can enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner." ... Walmart calls the food drive proof of its efforts to take care of employees.

(audience booing and groaning in disgust)

Thank you, Rabbi.  You see, Walmart is taking care of its employees — not living wage care, but can of peas care.  Now some critics out there are saying Walmart isn't doing enough, but they're wrong, because Walmart isn't doing anything.

These bins are for Walmart employees to donate to other employees.  And where can Walmart's low-wage workers find cheap food to donate?  Walmart.  Anyone can afford food there, except people who work at Walmart.  And why stop at food?  Walmart can stop offering health insurance, and just set up a "Please Vaccinate my Child" bin.

And they might want to change the employee vest from "How may I help you?" to just "Help!"

You know what does not need any help out there?  The stock market.

CHRISTINE ROMANS (11/19/2013): The Dow is up 22%.  The NASDAQ up 31%.  The S&P 500 up 26%.

NORAH O'DONNELL (11/19/2013): The index has gained more than 3,000 points this year alone. ... The S&P 500 moved above 1,800 for the first time.

SCOTT PELLEY (11/18/2013): Stock prices hit new milestones today, the Dow traded above 16,000 for the first time ever.

Yes, the Dow set a new record, meaning it got to enter its initials on the high score screen!

And folks, that record high is good for everybody, especially the wealthiest 5% of Americans, who own 82% of all stocks.  The other 95% have their money invested mostly in Beanie Babies, and donated canned goods.

(audience laughter and applause)

Lot of Walmart fans here tonight.  But now, the socialist commissars over at The Wall Street Journal are saying the gulf between the haves and the have-nots may hurt the economy.  Well, that's exaggerating.  A gulf?  My gated community only has a moat.

Now no surprise, the rest of the red brigade is joining in.  Like the manager of the world's largest bond fund, William Gross.

WILLIAM GROSS, PIMCO (11/1/2013): Ordinary folks, the 99%, don't have any money anymore. ... The rich 1% and corporations do.  Developed economies work best when inequality of incomes are at a minimum.

That is a sobering thought.  Metaphorically, of course.  Cuz as soon as I heard it, I got drunk.